Let God Fight Your Battles
I spent that Friday, the 25th, spending most of my time researching any and everything I could. And let me tell you...all of this research is not for the faint of heart. It's a serious gut check that's for sure. But, nonetheless, I couldn't control myself. I HAD to. I could not and would not stop. I was looking for signs of hope...something to prove that Dr. wrong...something...anything. I had my phone in hand at all times--in bed, too. My husband, Steve, just looked at me at one point and said, "Jess. Just put the phone down. It's upsetting you." I looked at him with tears in my eyes, "I can't. I just. Can't." And I proceeded to continue my research as he graciously accepted that reply. By the way--he's used to me not listening to him...no worries. :)
Friday night's sleep was much of the same as Thursday--horrible. I woke up with another panic attack-- and mind you, I'm a fairly laid back chick. So...I got up. I stopped. I got on my hands and knees...and prayed. I grabbed the book I just picked up on Friday and I started reading. You see, I went to Barnes & Noble that Friday after I received this news and I was looking for something that would help strengthen me for the journey ahead. I
came across the book, "Let God Fight Your Battles," by Joyce Meyer. Let me tell you....I was able to go back to bed after reading for a while. I felt a sense of comfort...of peace...of HOPE. The Bible verse, "Be Still and KNOW that I Am God" took on a whole new meaning for me. I understood it at a deeper level just in that short amount of time. Worrying accomplishes absolutely NOTHING. Be still and wait to hear from God IS an action plan. Worrying and wondering about the outcome is not.
I actually was a little ticked off at that oncologist I originally met with. Thoughts like, "How dare she not give me ANY ounce of hope whatsoever" raced through my head. But then it occurred to me. I should not rely on HER for my hope. I have Someone much bigger than that an I KNOW I need to fully rely on Him and that my HOPE rests fully in Him. I'm talking about God if you haven't caught that by now. What was I thinking in relying on her for my hope? In fact, I started to feel a little sorry for her myself, and more worried about her than me. What if she doesn't know God? Clearly someone with such little hope for someone else needs a little more Jesus in their life, right? The thoughts that were now running through my head.
I've seen miracles happen. We witness miracles every, single day in my opinion. One of the biggies in my life is my brother Matt. He was in an accident about 12 years ago. He was in a coma for 7 weeks, had 7 brain surgeries total--we were told he wasn't going to make it. He did. After that, we were told he wouldn't walk or talk. It wasn't long after that that he was. And now--we can't get him to stop! :) I think it a miracle for parents that have lost their children (because I cannot even FATHOM the pain & suffering that comes with that) to get up every day and live life after that--miracle. The fact that Miami picked up Jay Cutler this season--miracle (sorry, had to throw that in there ;) ). But to add to that...the fact that my hubby feels Cutler will have his best season ever with them--- miracle? Time will tell. ;) Miracles happen every day. And I'm telling you people....nothing is impossible with God. All things are possible with God. I carry hope with me everyday....because God carries me.
That Sunday--as I prepped for my colonoscopy on Monday (which wasn't too bad actually, by the way)-- the weirdest thing happened. I became thankful for that brutal oncologist. While all others who knew what happened couldn't believe how she handled it, I grew to be thankful for her. Her being that brutal gave me a kick in the butt to research the heck out of everything I could. My Mary Kay family reached out (the timing of Mary Kay coming into my life when it did is unbelievably amazing, by the way) and I had many resources through them that I could hear their stories, gain different ideas & knowledge from their experiences, and just bring everything together to create my own plan. That is all I can control--I can't control the outcome. But I can control my attitude and create my own action plan for treatment. And I can feel Him pointing me in the direction I am to go--as crazy as it may sound to some.
Not gonna lie... because this is just who I am as a person and I just can't help it. But I couldn't help but think, "I really don't give a flip about statistics here. I frickin hated statistics. I can't wait to come back here just to meet with that oncologist years from now and be like, "what what. Peace." And then invite her to church because like I said....clearly needs a little more Jesus.
As scary as this is--because let's be real...I'm scared and I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't--I have so much support & love from so many I love and just kinda like (hahaaa just kidding..I love everyone, that's just me :) ). I am still learning to "Be Still" and give it to God... but I trust Him.
Okay. I've rambled enough. I'll get caught up with my adventure sometime. In the meantime, Go Pack Go!