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  • Jess Haag

It. Is. Gone.

Updated: Feb 6, 2019

Well?  I did it.  I finally did it.  I sent the pic and the text to two of my brothers letting them know I decided it was time to join them and rock their look.  My oldest brother responded by saying, "You're still better looking."

I finally shaved my head (well, technically I didn't--my sis in law did).  My hair... is gone.  And I'm LOVING it.

As you might remember, I started a new chemo drug in September.  I was told at the beginning that I might lose more hair--and sure enough, I did.  I had my 5th treatment 2.5 weeks ago, and decided it was time.  After all, when you look at yourself and you see "Gollum" from Lord of the Rings (sorry--weeeell, not really sorry, let's be real, ha-- to those who received the picture of my face on his little body and didn't like it...I was blessed with the ability to find humor in many situations I guess ;)  ) it's time to take action.  So I thought to myself, "I'm taking my hair myself before I'll let chemo take it all."  It's all about the control.  I can't control the outcome of anything, but I sure can control how I respond to everything.

Now before you go thinking I'm this insanely strong person who is affected by nothing, let me be 100% honest with you--I had a harder time with this than I thought I would.  A few Saturdays ago, I broke down.  I cried.  I cried hard about the thought of not having my own hair.  But it wasn't just about losing my hair.  It was the thought that when people see me, they would most likely now see "cancer."  Up until I started losing my hair, no one could look at me and know that I have cancer--and now?  That would probably be the first thing that came to their mind.  And then the worst part...would be the sympathy looks.  The sympathy in their voices when they talk to me.  Ugh.  I'm not a fan.

Know why I'm not a fan?  Because there's no need to feel sorry for me!  I'm happy.  Oddly enough I feel better and healthier than I have in soooooo many years (and this says a lot seeing that I am currently undergoing chemo treatment).  I've met many incredible people on this journey--some of who are part of this "cancer club."  Yes, I have sad moments--sad days sometimes.  It's nearly impossible not to.  But...I get over it.  I pray for strength and remind myself to just be still...He is in control and worrying accomplishes absolutely nothing.

You know what else helps with this thing?  This Christmas season.  In my 36 years on this earth, this Christmas season feels so different for me.  I was trying to pinpoint why, and I think it's because I am actually REALLY taking the true meaning of it in.  I grew up in a God-fearing household so yes, I have always known the true meaning of Christmas--but I think for the first time in my life (and that's really sad to say but also amazing at the same time), I have really been thinking about what God actually did for us--sending his Son, Jesus, so we might have the chance at eternal life with Him.  Have you really sat down and thought about how huge this is? I've been trying to wrap my head around this gift this Christmas season.  It's as though I've just taken that for granted all of these years.

Ecclesiastes 3:11  He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

I haven't taken a poll or anything, but I would be willing to bet that most people you talk to believe in some sort of after-life--death is not the end.  Ecclesiastes 3:11 tells us that God has placed this belief in our hearts--whether you're a Christian or not.

One of the worst side effects of this diagnosis, in my opinion, is that death becomes very real to you.  Too real.  It can be a scary thing to think about, but it's pretty much a constant thought.  But then I go to church.  I attend events like 'Ladies Advent by Candlelight.' I read my devotions.  I talk to God-fearing people.  I pray.  I remember what God has done for me.  I remember why Christmas is Christmas.  I remember Jesus came for ME.  He came for YOU.  He came for EVERYONE.  It doesn't matter that we are all undeserving--it doesn't matter what we've done in our lives--He still loves us and wants us with Him.  It doesn't matter if you've never believed in the "hype" of religion and it doesn't matter if you have never believed in Him before--as long as you're still breathing, there's still time--and it's time to get to know Him.

My last day could be a year from now...could be 50 years from now...a week...a day...5 minutes from now...  I don't know any better than any of you.  But what I do know, is where I'll be headed after I take my final breath.  Do you?  Will you be prepared?  Are you prepared?  Have you wondered?  I don't wonder.....because of Christmas.  That baby changed everything--for me AND for you.

So what's next?  We'll be continuing with this chemo regimen.  My oncologists want to go the distance with this drug (12 treatments) since I'm handling it so well, and my tumor markers continue to go down. I was told most people get severely sick on this chemo and therefore can't do the full 12--but my side effects have been minimal.  I'll take hair loss and fatigue over being super sick any day.  I'm more than certain my diet, juicing, and supplements have helped tremendously in the "not getting sick" department.  So...I go in for my 6th infusion on December 26th and we'll go from there.  The regimen is still the infusion once every 3 weeks, and 2 weeks on 1 week off for my chemo pill.

I do want to give a huge shout out to my sis in law, Sara, and Betsy with 'A Peaceful Purpose' for helping me with my hair.  Even though I know it may not have been easy to do, Sara helped cut and buzz my head--and helped with picking out some fun wigs to rock.

Another huge shout out to a woman who made it sooooooo easy and comfortable for me, Betsy.  Betsy runs a non profit called 'A Peaceful Purpose' and I am seriously so grateful for her.  She is an amazing woman with a huge, warm heart and I'm so thankful to have met her.  Betsy-- you rock my world.  So when you see me rocking some fun, different's because of her and her peaceful purpose.

And to my hubby... God couldn't have blessed me with a better man.  You're just amazing throughout this whole thing.

To all reading this--I hope you have a very blessed & Merry Christmas!

Hope & Pray.

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1 Kommentar

05. Feb. 2019

You are so very beautiful 💖

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